Send your tear soaked letters to Santa next time
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
I read this the other day. All I have to say is that I had no idea the producers from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition also worked at the post office. I had to stop reading this 3 times. People should be violently tazed for trying to make other people cry this badly. This is a crime and you all damn well know it!
I don't know what people call "random acts of kindness" these days but if someone did this shit to me I would not be pleased. An entire night of bawling my eyes out in front of my kid because we got a letter from God isn't my idea of kindness! What the hell statement is "I picked your mommy just for you"?? Great, directly aim your tear causing to the one person who can read! and then traumatize the poor child when she tries to read this letter back to her kid. Why oh why is mommy so sad, why would God write such a sad letter? Is she in pain? Does that mean mommy is going to die next, just like my dog? You sick bastards, you're lucky it's dangerous to taze people whilst crying ... uh, isn't it? I can only assume it is. The day after I get my tear ducts removed I am coming for you!
I don't know what people call "random acts of kindness" these days but if someone did this shit to me I would not be pleased. An entire night of bawling my eyes out in front of my kid because we got a letter from God isn't my idea of kindness! What the hell statement is "I picked your mommy just for you"?? Great, directly aim your tear causing to the one person who can read! and then traumatize the poor child when she tries to read this letter back to her kid. Why oh why is mommy so sad, why would God write such a sad letter? Is she in pain? Does that mean mommy is going to die next, just like my dog? You sick bastards, you're lucky it's dangerous to taze people whilst crying ... uh, isn't it? I can only assume it is. The day after I get my tear ducts removed I am coming for you!
Labels: grinds my gears, news
My Open Letter to people who sell furniture on Craigslist
Monday, February 25, 2008
Dear So-and-So,
I see that you are selling your furniture on this popular website here. First of all I'd like to say thanks for not posting in the personals section and therefore not being a total weirdo. Maybe. I am someone who has a bit of experience selling/buying on Craigslist, but more than that I have tons of experience just checking out ads. I'm a curious girl, I am. So anyway I'd really like to help you out with selling your furniture so here is a little list of things I think you should know.
I see that you are selling your furniture on this popular website here. First of all I'd like to say thanks for not posting in the personals section and therefore not being a total weirdo. Maybe. I am someone who has a bit of experience selling/buying on Craigslist, but more than that I have tons of experience just checking out ads. I'm a curious girl, I am. So anyway I'd really like to help you out with selling your furniture so here is a little list of things I think you should know.
- Don't bother selling your "mint" 1984 Bedroom Set... just throw it away, post it in the free section or give away brownies to the next person who owns a van and can pick it up.
- If it's a particularly stunning set then go crazy and ask for $100. I do not know what land you bought your laminate, mostly mirrored, painted to "look like marble" set but my guess is the store vanished into a cloud of smoke the minute you walked out with this furniture.
- People generally like dark wood, so if yours isn't why don't you invest in refinishing it or adjust the price. That goes the same for designer chairs, couches, etc. You're on Craigslist now you fancy ass! Way to be a moron and pay $1300 for a chair, I bet you won't make that mistake again.
- In the future everyone, please, stop buying things that are all mirrored. I don't care how cool you are, or hot you are, you never need to see yourself everywhere you turn. Do you really enjoy fingerprints everywhere? I don't need my bedroom looking like a future crime scene.
- Always tell the buyer the exact condition before they come to pick this up. People don't really like surprises like a giant scratch or dent somewhere. I mean, I do, but most people don't! And since it's for furniture you really waste their time; they probably borrowed someone's van or truck for this... they think about that when low-balling you after seeing the damage, trust me.
- For buyers, this is furniture, not tickets to see Jimmy Buffet... don't offer barter items like food stamps, a rusty truck with a billion miles on it, or coupons for KFC. You'd think it'd sweeten the deal but all it really does is make people want to throw their stuff in the streets rather than sell it to you.
- If you want someone to deliver furniture be prepared to get laughed at, hung up on, or pay them a lot of money. When you buy things I'd prepare myself to go to that location as I would if I went to an actual store. Only a store charges me full prices on everything! Can you believe it?
- Lastly, using the words Antique or Vintage we all think just means old. Sell those things at flea markets, or at the very least don't try and add value to that... unless your house is a museum I am not paying extra for something "enjoyed" for many generations. If I had something Antique like that I'd call myself Indianna Jones and leave it all to obscure family members in my will.
With Love and Frustration,
Ann
That last idea sounds pretty sweet.. I think more people should leave things to their loved ones in some sort of dangerous treasure hunt. Dangerous as in it's a stupid idea, but not so much as they'd actually die trying to get my dining room furniture. More like its hidden in a cave full of smelly moss and crabs, or hidden somewhere that finding it has something to do with the tides. Wait, I've said too much....
It's also good to know nobody who reads this journal watches Lost. Great information to have. You'd think that would stop me from posting about it wouldn't you... but you'd be wrong!
Labels: craigslist, grinds my gears
Today is a production
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
1. When people ask me to do favours for them like cut the skins off individual pre-sliced cucumbers. Just keepin' it real: that was total bullshit.
2. When someone uses the term "mani-pedi"
And now I'd like to tell you a little holiday story. I may have already told you. I call it "The Dumbest Thing I Ever Said" (Part 17 of the ongoing 1523-part series) and it takes place in the winter of 1997. My best friend Jenny and I went to see Titanic for either the second or third time, of the total eight times we went to see it in theaters. Wow that feels almost like a post secret right there! Chatting through the previews, The Thin Red Line just finished and a single word came on the screen and stretched out across it, as per the graphic thin red line for the movie. I turn to Jenny and said "...who's Chris Tmas?"
Yeah, really!
You know what else really grinds my gears? Seeing as I watched Titanic 8 times (3 more at home) I am practically entitled to know why the two of them couldn't fit on that door!?? It's bothered me for 10 years because it makes NO SENSE! They didn't even attempt to look for more pieces of ship to hold on to. It's like he wanted to die!!
By the way, my title is what a 4 year old wrote on our calendar whiteboard for Wednesday. I thought it was hilarious.
Labels: grinds my gears
